“Again?! Really?! Can’t you do anything right?!”
“It’s entirely my fault that the project failed”
“Can’t I do anything right?”
We would be outraged if someone spoke to us like that, yet…sometimes that might just be the way we speak to ourselves.
The way we speak to ourselves matters because our inner dialogue is part of how we interpret our lives, respond to our mistakes, and approach what lies ahead. You don’t have to trust me on that – research proves it time and time again.
In a study called The power of the inner voice: Examining self-talk’s relationship with academic outcomes researchers found that not only did students feel better when they spoke to themselves kindly, but they actually performed better academically. Just think on that – if you were to start changing how you speak to yourself, things around you might change. Not only would you feel emotionally better – work might improve, relationships with others, might you even get more clients?
Dolcos and Albarracín concluded that even the pronouns we use when speaking to ourselves might make a difference (aren’t we incredible?!). Shifting from “I” to “you” might make your body or mind have just a little more compassion, and may make emotions or scenarios feel less intense. Let’s look at the following, and image how it would feel experiencing the initial thought, and then image what the reframe might feel like:
“I can’t handle this” → “You have handled difficult things before. What is your next step?”
“Am I just going to keep making mistakes?” → “You made a mistake. We all do. You can learn from this and keep going.”
“I’m such a failure!” → “This didn’t go the way you wanted. It does not mean anyone is a failure.”
Finally, Grzybowski and Brinthaupt (isn’t that a mouthful?) found that having self-compassion, and how we talk to ourselves, makes a big difference. Self-compassion doesn’t excuse mistakes or pretend everything is fine. Rather it looks at these circumstances or choices with a more compassionate lens. From that space, change feels more possible.
For example:
Instead of “I’m such an idiot,” try “I made a mistake, and I can learn from it.”
Instead of “I should be over this by now,” try “This is taking longer than I hoped, and I can give myself time.”
Instead of “I can’t do anything right,” try “I’m struggling with this particular thing.”
The way we speak to ourselves matters. The way we think about ourselves matters.
Perhaps you haven’t been conscious of your inner dialogue – perhaps you’ve just accepted it to be what it is.
Try becoming aware of what you say to yourself the next time you experience stress, anxiety or difficulty. Becoming aware of it is the first step. Then, question or challenge it. Try a new way of responding to this scenario. Repeat, and repeat, until it becomes your norm.
You can do hard things and you are worth it.
